The Apprentice (2/5/07), Crimewatch and How to Look Good Naked (1/5/07)

The best series of The Apprentice EVER - fact! Ex-army lieutenant Paul got fired last night, one of the only team leaders in any Apprentice to make a loss on the task. This was largely because he was an unrelenting knobend. I don't mean to be a reverse snob, but the posh voice and inability to take criticism from any person of a lower social class meant I was gunning for him from week one. Paul said 'noozes' instead of 'noses', 'meerketing' for 'marketing'; sneery little cannon-fodder. Send him to Iraq.

Have to catch up on Tuesday night's TV too. It was gobsmacking. Channel 4 had actual minge - pubes and everything - at EIGHT O' CLOCK with their new series of How to Look Good Naked. I mean really. People do eat at that time you know, young children are still up. On the one hand, maybe it's a good thing that the kiddies are exposed to 'normal' female bodies rather than the airbrushed fantasies which dominate advertising; on the other, maybe it's going to seriously derail their nascent sexuality. Either way, the series focuses solely on how WOMEN should look good naked, so there's an inbuilt inequality in the programme itself which no amount of lopsided boobs can counter.

Crimewatch was funny, more specifically Nick Ross, who said with incredulity at one point, "Running away. In Ealing" - as if the act of fleeing in Ealing was the crime rather than the stabbing of two men on a bus. First time I've seen it in years, and I might just return for the humour.

Lastly, I don't often review films, but I must warn you to STAY WELL AWAY from Proof with Gwyneth Paltrow because it's a PIECE OF SHIT. It makes you wonder how it did so well on Broadway and in the West End and whether the average theatre-goer in the US and the UK has in fact been LOBOTOMISED. Americans CAN'T WRITE PLAYS. Both dialogue and acting were EXCRUCIATING. I can't talk about it anymore, it's making me angry.