Wednesday, August 25, 2010

Final Big Brother finale and Ultimate Big Brother

Big Brother very much went out with a whimper last night, as the five bores were ejected one after another. Dave came second. A CREATIONIST at number 2. As Emma Kennedy tweeted "Hang your heads in shame".

Ultimate Big Brother ensued soon afterwards but no Jade Goody. Maybe they could pipe in her saying "Shilpa Fuckawallah, Shilpa Poppadoom" every so often... Oh, look, I know she's dead and I know that's sad but this whole martyr the racist thing's getting on my wick. Let's not forget who she was and what she did.

My Ultimate Big Brother housemates would be:
Les Dennis
Rex's girlfriend
Jo O' Meara

Monday, August 23, 2010

The night BB11 turned to shit

Friday it was. Friday. When the only housemates of any interest left in the house were booted out.

You see, when the producers asked people to vote for who to evict on Friday, they gave the result to people who had haters. If they had asked the GBP to vote to save people, someone like Sam - who has both lovers and haters - might have stood a chance. As it was, the people who escaped eviction were those the GBP felt indifferent about.

The night started off well enough when Steve was kicked out. But when he was followed by Corin, my heart began to sink. Sam, no less, was next out. Followed by the deserving John James.

So we're left with the finalist we know about - Josie - the non-entities of Andrew and JJ (who?), Mario (ok then) and DAVE. FUCKING DAVE. Yes, the fucking quack doctor managed to escape eviction, for reasons I CANNOT FATHOM. HOW has this notion of 'oh, he's just a nice family guy' overcome people seeing him expound his insane and dangerous beliefs? WHAT is going on? It's just all fuelling his delusion that Jesus has chosen him. He probably thinks he's converted people through being in there. I can't stand it. If Dave goes on to win this, I'm going to have to a dirty protest at BB HQ.

Sure enough, last night's highlights were unimaginably boring and the victory seems to be Josie. At least I actually want her to win now so that fucking monk doesn't.

Friday, August 20, 2010

...and all is revealed

What a fascinating last week of the last Big Brother this is turning out to be. As is often the case, a la Craig and Anthony all those years ago, the truth of house dynamics is becoming apparent.

The big news is John James' implosion over recent days. Starting with his vain refusal to wear a stupid crab costume, followed by accusations of hypocrisy from other housemates who have received an earbashing about being "team players" from none other than John James, through to Corin's eventual bravery in confronting John James about his arrogance and attitude to women, the final week has been captivating. For as John James has fallen from grace, Corin has risen and risen in my estimation.

Long ago I noted that John James only has a go at women. The men in the house should be ashamed at their collusion in his female bullying, even if only silence. Well, last night, to quote Corin, this came back to "bite him on the bum". For John James was hideously demeaning to a temporarily returned Rachael1, accusing her of being little more than a prostitute for doing a 'Nuts' shoot. He wasn't remorseful, but PROUD, when he returned to the house and relayed the attack. That is until Corin told him that Rachael is now going out with Nathan...

Cue John James shitting himself, and recoursing to his usual behaviour by threatening to leave the house. What disgusts me most is this notion that a woman needs a male protector for him to show them a modicum of respect. The cowardly bully. It's only the thought of getting his head kicked in - evidence of his view of why men are superior, and women lesser beings (physical strength) - that's made him think twice about what he said.

During all of this drama, Corin calmly and coolly told John James and the rest of the housemates exactly what she thinks. When she excused the housemates laughing at John James' relation of the Rachael1 incident, saying that John James had been intimidating the house for so many weeks they simply acquiesce to him, you could still see Steve thinking over his own conduct. She was understanding, but her canny observations have damned them all.

Josie might even ultimately lose this because of her association with John James. And so she should. As much as I love Sam Pepper, Corin deserves to win this series. She gets my vote.

Wednesday, August 18, 2010

The final approaches

Is it just me and my BB obsession or has it all seemed a bit short this year? Or maybe it's just that there are so many housemates left over at the end. I feel like I'm only just getting a handle on the late arrivals. JJ's honking voice is really starting to get on my wick. And I haven't had ENOUGH SAM.

Anyway, the whole shebang is over in a week. And yet Dave is still in there. He's taken on some particularly annoying aspects in the last couple of weeks - becoming paranoid that BB doesn't like him, and developing the puppy dog countenance and ickle baby voice of a 14 year old boy in order to purvey the affront. URGH he makes me so sick. How can everyone have fallen for his 'I'm a family man' act when he's so clearly a combination of stickybeak and attention seeker glued together with bitchiness and insanity?

On the other hand. Sam. I wonder how different things would be in terms of his audience standing if he'd gone in any earlier. What exact game have the producers been playing with this particular housemate? Why the four Friday evictions which have greatly lessened his odds? And did anyone notice Davina's self-contradiction during her eviction interview with Jo last Friday when she followed up, "I'm so surprised to see you here instead of Sam," with the revelation that he was the favourite and everyone loved him. Disingenuous Davina!

Tuesday, August 10, 2010


The big news of the week has to be Andrew's very ill-advised admission that he made sweet, sweet love to a giant melon. "I carried a watermelon?" No, I fucked it. I gave that multi-pipped bad boy a pummeling. I balanced it between the end of my bed and my mattress for purchase and then discharged my balls into its red, sticky flesh.

There's a level of preparation in food fucking that eludes me. So...the thought crosses your mind. But then you've got to leave the house, find the item, presumably squeeze a few to check they're fit for purpose, buy it, return home, set it up, and do the dirty. There are many, many exit points along the way. Or maybe we should just admire Andrew's focus and tenacity? At any point he could have scaled the exercise back down but NO, he soldiered on to the inexorable conclusion. I'm just surprised he managed to keep his horn going for that long.

Andrew is bound to be haunted by this for the rest of his life. And he's only 18 or 19, so he's in for the long haul. Somebody else in the house who SHOULD be embarrassed by their behaviour is Corin, who has turned into a proper prat over JJ (and despite his curious sexlessness). Even though she has a girlfriend - and not a very happy one, by all accounts - Corin continues to score these tiny sexual victories over the boy, like getting him to sit next to her, or touch her hand, or even spend a cringe-inducing night in bed with her (Corin: "Do you want to stay here?" JJ: "Do YOU want me to stay here" Corin:"Do you WANT me to want you to stay here?" etc.). It's like watching a randy divorcee chasing around after her best friend's son. Nicking his number off his mum's phone and asking him to serve as a cocktail waiter at her next 'girl's night in' - and then convincing him to wear only a bow tie and apron and a thong so that she and Debbie (her involuntarily celibate friend) can discuss his pert bottom over B&H in the garden. Or something like that anyway. There's only 6 years between them, but Corin's combination of teenage flirting tactics and Nuts lewdness make me feel a queasy.

Anyway, just off for a slice of watermelon...

Next out: Jo
Final five: Corin, Josie, Sam Pepper, JJ, John James?
To win: Sam Pepper

Saturday, August 07, 2010


Ugh. Josie becomes more like a Bristonian fishwife every day. "John Jems...John Jems...John Jems..."

Thursday, August 05, 2010

Sam Pepper

So after the various disastrous boring newbies, whose combined contribution to BB11 is emblematised in Keeley's broken ankle, the producers remembered "Of course! It's the last one. We can do whatever we want!" and chucked in Sam Pepper.

Oh yeah. Sam Pepper.

He's been given the clear brief to rile everyone up, and in five short days has managed to tea bag Josie, cry rape at Dave, annoy the fuck out of everyone, and make his allegiance to Big Brother over any single housemate perfectly clear. He's wonderful. Apart from John James' pathetic arguments, it's been far too cuddly in there for ages now.

And it's obviously Dave who's got away with the most. Dave who, the other night, professed his belief in WEREWOLVES (they didn't show THAT on the highlights - favourable editing?). Dave who followed Jedward around the house on Friday in the most embarrassing and transparent attempt to get on camera so far in the series. Dave who needs to FUCK OFF.

Jo didn't fulfill her promise to challenge "the monk"'s own particular brand of bullshit theology, so I'm counting on Sam. Come on Sam! Don't laugh away Dave's beliefs as eccentric like the rest of the housemates - expose him for the dangerous charlatan he is. We're counting on you.

p.s. The JJJ situation has been disrupted by John James obvious homo love for JJ - hereafter called the JJJJJ situation.

Wednesday, July 28, 2010

Big Brother - Dave and "The Glory"

So much is happening in Big Brother, it's hard to keep up. The JJJ situation gets stupider and stupider with much of the relationship ups and downs revolving around the ambiguity of the terms 'love', 'feelings' and 'care'. Unfortunately Josie doesn't realise that she is little more than a maternal substitute for that massive, massive mummy's boy. Ben's character, meanwhile, continues to take on various strange facets. His conversation is so crafted and Machiavellian, I think he might actually be sociopathic. Andrew has become rather interesting though recently - making great strides towards ultimate victory when he managed to convince Rachel of his split personality disorder the other day, seemingly just for his own amusement.

But I'll return to these hms at a later date and focus upon Dave who I hope, I PRAY, gets evicted on Friday. I'm going to have to list my issues with Dave - they are too numerous snd I am too angry to prosify.
1. Like so many Christians, Dave is actually a very nasty person. In fact, he's hateful. He frequently intiates the bitching sessions between the boys (who, by the by, are FAR bitchier than the women in the house); he loves talking behind people's backs, or even pulling them down to their faces. I witnessed him on the live feed at the smoker's bench last night, telling Josie she was going to die because of her habit. "100% certain death. You're going to die," said Dave, who appeared to have missed a crucial biology lesson at school.
2. Dave is a creationist. He doesn't believe in dinosaurs. Seems like he missed a few science lessons at school.
3. Where is the drunken glory which Dave imported from America and parades on youtube thus?

That faithless fucking fraud. And yet, instances of getting "whacked on Jesus" have been few and far between in the house. Maybe he knows everyone will be able to see right through him, housemates and public alike. Seeing as this is Dave's schtick, it seems pretty bloody unusual that God's stopped pouring his holy spirit down his throat over the last few weeks.
4. If you can stomach any more chicanery, watch this awful video:

So Dave thinks it's funny to pretend to be a monk and heal people because his view of them, essentially, is that they're all gullible idiots. Is this what he's saying, or have I missed something? Love thy neighbour indeed, you prick.

I hate him.

Next to go: DAVE
Final five: Andrew, Ben, Mario, Corin, Josie.
To win: Andrew - but I'm starting to feel pretty ambivalent about the housemates as much as I love the series.

Friday, July 23, 2010

BB Identification Theory

I've been going off Josie in recent days, largely because of her "feelings" for John James. He is such a mammoth TWAT that this reflects really, really badly on her - and makes me reevaluate how I've been responding to her over the last few weeks.

I started to wonder whether one of the reasons I liked Josie was because she reminded me of a very funny, very cool west country girl I know (let's call her Pouisa) and the realisation that Pouisa would never give the time of day to a knobjockey like JJ brought me crashing back to earth that this wasn't actually her - that this was someone who I don't know, and who I've have been projecting feelings from my actual life upon.

In fact, BB11 is proving a strange one from the point of view of audience identification. When Shabby initially went in to the house she seemed to bear herself with the lightly sardonic humour and self-sufficient approach, and have a similar sort of prettiness to, an actress friend of mine - Pane. Indeed, Pane texted me to say how much she loved Shabby - the narcissistic trollop. Conversely, my boyfriend hates Keeley - because she has the same small stature, blond hair and shrewd face of his poisonous dwarf of an ex-girlfriend. I mean, it's really bad - he can hardly look at her and she's bringing up a lot of bad feeling for him.

But the most interesting instance of this in my whole history of watching the programme is with Mario, who bears more than a passing resemblance to a very good friend - let's call him Pian. It's not just me that's noticed this likeness - other friends have too, as has his own MUM. The dark good looks and gentle manner shared by Pian and Mario has had a very odd effect on my viewing experience. I imbue Mario with Pian's character to such an extent that I actually, sort of, love him a little bit. I make involuntary noises like, 'aaaahhhh!' when he speaks....I want to give him a hug...I enmesh the two's behaviour in my mind so that when Mario is kind to another housemate I think 'typical Pian'...If anyone is a friend of Mario's in the house, I wonder if they could also be mine...

So Mario in particular, and other housemates to a far lesser extent, afford me the opportunity to reflect on people in my own life as well as colour and shape my responses to the housemates. I don't think this theory has any application beyond the individual. Winners of Big Brother can't win because they remind the majority of the public of someone they know (they win generally because they're kind and non-argumentative or - if they have arguments - they pick them well). But it is interesting nevertheless. Well, I think so anyway....

Tuesday, July 20, 2010

Caiomhe (sp?) walks (19 and 20/7/10)

Have been too busy having fun to blog recently, but finally caught up properly last night, only to find that the house has turned into boarding school c.1992. Josie has decided she DOES fancy John James (why? WHY?), and Caiomhe - clinging desperately on to the only two housemates still willing to talk to her - decided to fuck with them. Of course she did, because she's such a lovely, lovely person. So she flirted with John James. Then, after Josie mustered up the courage to confront her about the behaviour, pulled out every excuse that those girls do ("I didn't", "I was drunk", "I didn't know you liked him so much" - note the contradictions), then threatened to walk out of the house, thereby making Josie feel awful, and finally kept her promise a couple of hours ago and fucked off - at LAST.

There are so many reasons why I detest Caiomhe (sp?). She reckons herself, she lacks kindness and compassion towards others, but, most of all, she SMILES when she does awful things. So, over the last couple of days, she's been unable to keep the smirk off her face after continually revealing aspects of Josie's crush to John James. Josie and John James had a conversation last night about the fact that Caiomhe smiles after she says contentious stuff, with Josie concluding that the smile "isn't real". But, chillingly, it IS. She likes fucking about with people. She enjoys social conflict and she can't keep it off her physog.

So she won't be misssed at all, although her exit does somewhat curtail a potential dramatic situation should everyone have worked out her game. This BB has got to watch that it doesn't turn into one big touchy-feely massage-fest initiated by Dave and Mario. The Josie and John James situation (hereafter JJJ - I can't be arsed to type their names all the time) might provide dramatic focus - but I think it is only a matter of days before Josie realises that her brain was mysteriously tampered with and recognises him for the great galah he is.

Monday, July 12, 2010

Save and Replace and New Housemates

Quick word on the 'Save and Replace' task in which a nominated housemate wins a task and picks someone to take their eviction place. It seems to be causing some consternation but I think it's a sound intervention. The problem in previous years has been the same people getting nominated week after week who might be unpopular in the house but not necessarily outside- and we all remember how BB2's Paul thought his repeated escape from eviction was down to HIS popularity rather than his opponent's unpopularity. (Mind you, he was exceptionally thick). This is an excellent way for the nominations to be varied - and greatens the odds of one of the public's most hated coming into the firing line. It can also work the other way, granted, but still, it deals with boring repetitive nommos.

Three new housemates entered the compound on Friday, doing a silly little robotic walk because they were brought in via a SPACESHIP. Whoooh, COSMIC! (Really a box on a crane). BB are really going all out with the special effects this year. The table task where they were floated high above the house in week one was brilliant, as were the robots last week. Anyway, the new housemates are this thus:

Andrew - geekazoid nerdboy. Unfortunate face. Seems sweet. A bit young for the house I think - or maybe I'm just too old. Be interesting to see the effect he has on the Ben-Mario dynamic.

Rachel - bubbly scouse. Out soon hopefully.

Keeley - oh Keeley, Keeley, Keeley. Keeley has serious control issues which will bring her into direct conflict with the increasingly annoying Ife. When Keeley is asked how old she is, she says, "Guess?" When they guess younger she takes this as read, reveals her actual age and follows it up with, "But I don't look that old, do I?". Has the social grace of Naomi Campbell.

Next out: Caiomhe
Final five: Josie, John James, Mario, Andrew, Ben.
To win: Josie

Wednesday, July 07, 2010

Big Brother (5 and 6/7/10)

Well those predicted fireworks didn't take long to detonate. The last two nights of Big Brother have been dominated by fights between Ife, Caiomhe and Shabby - culminating in Shabby's leaving the compound last night.

It's good that Shabby's gone. She was childish, petulant, tantrumy, controlling. However in all of the fights over the last couple of days she has come out a darn sight better than Caiomhe, who seems to genuinely enjoy upsetting people and not showing any remorse for it. Like the prototypical mean girl - exactly what Ife accused the two of being when they made her feel embarrassed about dancing - Caiomhe depends on her gang for her power, so it will be interesting to see what happens now Shabby has gone. Shabby in this whole situation, to her credit, did show remorse. She's certainly not a bully, just a bit twatty.

Two interesting insights from nommos last night - tension between Ife and Ben (Ben accused her of not having a sense of humour - I think he's probably right), and FINALLY someone has noticed that it's not just that John James has a go at people for no good reason, but that those people are ALWAYS WOMEN. Oh yeah. John James just loves getting angry at the fairer sex. But you'd never see him going off at Nathan, or even Ben. The coward. Good on Steve for pointing that one out, and I hope he does so to his face soon.

Next to go: Nathan (whom I dislike after his intimidating behaviour last night)
Final five: Josie, Mario, Ben, Corin, Steve
To win: Josie (she really is emerging as a pretty special housemate)

Saturday, July 03, 2010

Big Brother Third Eviction (2/7/10)

So bloody Dave escapes the chop this week AGAIN - a fact he no doubt attributes to God's providence - while Sunshee-ine hits the BB buffers. Good. She was an annoying child at the family barbeque who...hang on, she wasn't even that, she was just an annoying child.

This is good news overall because it evens things out between the two house factions - the smokers vs. the non-smokers. How much things have changed since the first BB when housemates could happily puff away in any area of the house they damn well chose. Oh those heady, fumy days. This is a current cultural issue made manifest. How strange that idea of in-house smoking seems now, a mere ten years down the line, and how frequently since 2006 has the spatial segregation of smokers been a factor in group formation - both inside and outside the house?

Talking of groups, respect to Ife for continuing her interrogation of the motives of Shabby. As I noticed a long time ago, Shabby is an individual who has a great investment in groups. She is nothing without a gang. Ife, meanwhile, is a freethinker who ENJOYS thinking and who increasingly distances herself from the social confines of Shabby's sorority. Expect fireworks in the future.

Wednesday, June 30, 2010


And other bad Frencifying...

Ben, Ben, Ben.


I cannot get enough of Ben! From the non-stop name-dropping, to his celebrity-based self-analogies ("I can't help not smiling all the time. I'm quite Roger-Moore-like in that way") to the sheer CONCEIT of the man. He is definitely the star of the show.

It emerged that another two of my favourites detest each other during nommos last night. Corin accused Mario of going on about genitals all the time in her own inimitable fashion, saying of his threat to get his balls out, "I don't want pubic hair wafting around everywhere". Mario provided an unknowing riposte with the devastating comment upon Corin's conversational skills: "At the intellectual banquet of life, I'm left starving." Big Brother is suddenly full of wit and I LOVE IT!

Next out: Dave, Dave, please let it be Dave.
Final five: Ben, Corin, Nathan, John James, Steve.
To win: BEN!!!! (but that won't happen)

Friday, June 25, 2010

Big Brother (23/6/10)

Just a quick note to report how massively impressed I was with Ife for having the courage to tell Shabby and Caiomhe (sp?) that she was "bored of our conversations" the other night. The two speedily and understandably turned on her after the rejection. "I was just being honest", Ife called out after them as they stomped into the garden. She later revealed in the diary room that the truth is that she can't stand Shabby's childish tantrums and so is distancing herself. She has risen in my estimation markedly.

And Ben. BEN??!!! What are you LIKE? Concluding the most obsequious story about Joan Collins EVER told with the punchline, "But then I got talking to Gloria Hunniford, and we became, like, semi-friends." If I saw your poor man's Ben Fogel visage simpering down at me to get some hack quote for the Telegraph social diary, I'd tell you to get lost too. Oh GOD, he's such a ninny. Please don't let him go tonight.

Next out: Dave, Ben
Final Five: Ife, Nathan, Corin, Mario, Steve
To win: Nathan, Corin

Wednesday, June 23, 2010

You just kept roiding me and roiding me (22/6/10)

The reference, of course, is to John James' eppy fit at Josie a couple of nights ago which was the turning point in his BB career. In summary, he turned nasty on Josie after she teased him for too long, telling her she had a fat arse and terrible roots. Gasp! He revealed himself to be a very angry and insecure person, and a massive twat.

But the thing annoyed me most was in last night's programme when, in the garden, he claimed he would take any photographic magazine opportunities that came his way after Big Brother - EXACTLY the thing he wigged out at Rachael for last week. The HYPOCRISY! Maybe John James just has a problem with women. As Josie said the other night, "Rachael's gone, so it's my turn now is it?"

Monday, June 21, 2010

Big Brother (20/6/10)

After an excellent first week, I am officially loving the new series of BB. Last night I was moved to laughter (Corin-induced), shock (Ife-induced) and tears (Steve-induced). Who, as the song goes, could ask for anything more?

Corin is emerging as a favourite for her BB2 Helenesque way with words and natural sweetness. Ife left me open mouthed when she divulged to Caimhoe (sp?) that Shabby had something to tell her (her fancy for the Irish beauty) in a manner worthy of any 12 year old. But I like Ife too. The thing with this year's housemates is that they actually seem like real people and approximate the innocence of the very earliest years of the programme. (I can't extend this praise to Shabby however, who seems aware of how to create storylines which will keep her in the house). This niceness might not bode well in the long term, though; every series needs a touch of Shahbazmatazz to keep the entertainment flowing.

And Rachael, goodbye. You will not be missed.

Wednesday, June 16, 2010

Big Brother Format Changes (15/6/10)

Something very strange is going on with BB. You may have noticed that each episode now starts with a recap of what happened the night before. I like's good. It lets me rewatch favourite bits of the former episode like when Mario destroyed John James' pizzas with a broom handle.

Episodes now also end with a preview of what's to come in the next highlights show. This seems a bit weird and polished somehow. And the producers can't know that tomorrow's highlights won't be dominated by whatever happens later that night...

But strangest of all, is the use of music and 'fast-forward' style editing to speed up the representation of an event. So, last night, we were shown the housemates playing a 'truth' type game. Music was overlaid and there was quick editing between the questions and the answers so that the overall effect was of a montage.

It seems very odd to institute these changes after ten years of keeping the same format. I'm not saying that I'm anti these modifications. In fact, it lets you get to the best parts of an interaction quicker, whereas before we might have just been shown a few of the housemates' responses and therefore be biased towards. or against, particular housemates. But it does have a strange knock-on effect on the whole feel of the programme. I wasn't aware of quite how ad-hoc, home-made and uncontaminated by snazzy production English BB has been heretofore. And now it feels a bit...well... a bit...American?

Tuesday, June 15, 2010

Big Brother (14/6/10)

So, Sun-shee-ine emerges as the 'problem' housemate, with Govan her special adversary. She is very "Bea" and I can imagine her particular blend of neuroses, narcissism and unlikely nomenclature is infuriating - however it's how the housemates cope with her now that matters in terms of their perception by the public, as we all know. Shabby made good general sounds about not wanting to be seen as a bully - at the same time she not only finds it necessary to be in the cool group, but to be at the head of it.

I almost hate to bring it up but have to record my HORROR at the account of his maiming given by Steve to Sunshine and Ben last night. As if the actual explosion and the gore and the loss of limbs wasn't awful enough, Steve revealed that the IRA also set a DOG ON HIM after the detonation to tear at his exposed flesh. How utterly barbaric.

Have 180 degreed on Dave again, who IS a proper prat. And yet he must, must, must stay in because otherwise we won't get the opportunity to see him "totally whacked" (his words) on God. This process can go on for several weeks apparently and I have to see him cracked out on the Christ crystals.

First to go: Sunshine, Dave
Final five: Nathan, John James, Josie, Steve, Shabby
To win: John James, Steve

Sunday, June 13, 2010

Last Night's Big Brother Live Feed (12/6/10)

You've got to champion the return of the BB live feed. It's the only way for us hardcore viewers to reach conclusions about BB housemates independently of how they're edited on the highlights show. Obvious, yes, but important. Permit me to take you all the way back to 2001 and the construction of Dean as "boring"...although any live feed viewer knew he was the wryest, most informed and personable housemate of the lot...

While I may have been a little tiddly, I was able to glean some very useful insights from the live feed in the early hours of this morning. Par example:

1. The producers really wanted John James in the series and even flew him back out from Oz after the initial audition. Big Brother repeatedly told housemates (i.e. John James) to stop discussing the audition and selection procedure.

2. John James is monied.

3. John James wipes back to front when he takes a shit. He holds his balls out of the way.

4. John James talks A LOT.

5. John James has no libido. This was identified by Josie who emerged as a lynchpin of the house. John James doesn't even get morning glory. This was what aroused Josie's suspicions.

6. Judi James would have a field day talking about Josie's behaviour last night. Housemates crowded aroundand clamoured for her attention as she lay reclining on a bed. She shamelessly performed procedures on her face - plucking eyebrows, spot squeezing - in full view of other housemates. I'm pretty sure Judi James would interpret this as a sort of exposure and display of bodily 'honesty' which results in a gain of power for the individual. If she then starts grooming others we'll have identified the alpha female of the house.

8. Ife, Shabby and Caiomhe (sp?) are a clique. Josie, Corin, Rachael and Govan are a clique. Mario is hopelessly infatuated with Ben.

9. Ben accused Sunshine of having veruccas. Govan said that if one person in the house had veruccas then they'd all get them. Steve said, "I won't".

10. Steve's snoring could potentially alter the world's magnetic field.

There was more but I'm going to keep it to myself...just for now...

Saturday, June 12, 2010

Big Brother (11/6/10)

Things always bode very well for a series of Big Brother when the nicey-nicey aspect wears out quickly, as it had between Sunshine and Rachael within 24 hours of the series. Sunshine, as suspected, is a prize twit - another 'type' I encountered during my Brighton years. She's the sort of person who not only dubs herself with an outlandish forename - like a 14 year old who wakes up and suddenly wants to be called 'Cat' or 'Star' - she's also the sort of vegan who uses diet as a means of masking an eating disorder. I know a girl who uses a similar mixture of allergy and ethics to get out of eating. She, too, is very, very thin.

Must revisit the inevitably mistaken snap judgements of Thursday. Mario, while still likely to be first out, should stay for longer. I'm particularly interested in how he has phallicised his mole nose which he wears protruding from the forehead and continually wanks back and forth. Either that or he sports it jutting from the base of his skull like a pretersexual some sort of medulla penis deemed to be too damn saucy by evolution. Maybe he developed such fetishistic ruses in life to detract from the truly awful underpants we were subjected to last night.

I now have the feeling that Ife will develop into an especially vile individual - merely a hunch. Conversely, I think I might start warming to Dave, or at least seeing him as perhaps more than a psychiatric outpatient. It is queer, however, how so many 'persons of faith' frequently turn out to be the most suspicious and paranoid of other people's intentions, how they have so little faith in human nature. He was the first to point out that Mario might be a 'spy' for instance - although I might be confusing paranoia with sheer reasoning ability. Always have to adjust to lowered intelligence expectations every year! I imagine 50 % of the house will fail to ever see the costume's significance, and never get beyond thinking that he is simply a woodland creature.

First to go: Mario (if chucked out), Sunshine
Final five: Shabby, John James, Dave, Josie, Steve
To win: Shabby, John James

Thursday, June 10, 2010

The Final Ever Big Brother Launch Show (9/6/10)

I can't let the final EVER Big Brother pass on by without offering a few thoughts. It would seem wrong having spent so many balmy summer evenings enriching my all-too-brief time upon this earth with the wise saws of Tania, of Ray and of Nush.

Let's expose this year's Christians to my own particular brand of lion:

Ife: Ife believes in The Secret. "What's The Secret?" I hear you ask. I can't tell you. It's a secret.

Nathan: Boorish, regional, undereducated. Will probably win.

Caoimhe: is how you spell her name.

Govan: Seems a bit uncomfortable both in the house and his own skin. He's likeable but young and I'm worried for him.

Dave: THIS FUCKING ARSEHOLE was into drink and drugs for about five minutes back in 1983 and then he fell over and banged his head and his new life begun. Paradoxically, he expresses his spiritual conversion by mimicking the behaviours and effects of drugs. This guy mainlines the Lord! I saw him talking about his beliefs on the live feed last night and the best reactions came from Rachael - not happy to be cooped up with him at all - and John James, who is seemingly unable to stop his face from revealing his inner thoughts, and who looked like he was trying to work out algorhythms in a sewage plant.

Rachael: Rachael is "a hairdresser" and "can't imagine doing anything else". Which is why she was planning on spending her summer in Ibiza before she got recalled to do Big Brother instead.

Shabby: I think she might have worked behind the bar in my local. Either that or she is not quite as much of an 'individual' as she would perhaps like to appear.

Ben: Ben has a very unusual mouth; his top lip especially. I can't tell if this is to do with the way he is put together, or whether he has done that thing where, in trying to manufacture a pout through repeated oscular adjustment, he has actually disfigured his own face.

Steve: All of the goodwill that Steve is able to muster inside and outside the house as a maimed ex-soldier during a time that this country fights a war on two fronts will dissipate within 10 days. This is just Carole or Mario in another guise.

John James: Will be in the final five because his ignorance and vulgarity can be percieved as "cute" and displaced into his nationality, and because Big Brother is fundamentally anti-intellectual.

Sunshine: Is everything I fear and loathe

Corin: Has got lovely hair.

Mario: Is currently making the Big Brother producers pant-poo a little, because he's exactly the kind of identity-crisis-breaking, zodiac-sign-adhering, unemployable and unemployed full-time-work-shirking ninny that makes for a terrible housemate. My guess is that his task really is impossible and that this is one of those slightly shit and unnecessary bits of Big Brother, or what I like to call a "Susie".

Josie: indifference.

Oh, I do love seeing how the initial impressions bear out! Here's some utterly wild predictions to finish off:

First out: Mario, then Dave
Final five: Nathan, John James, Shabby, Govan, Ife.
To win: Nathan, John James.

It's good to be back...