The Final Ever Big Brother Launch Show (9/6/10)

I can't let the final EVER Big Brother pass on by without offering a few thoughts. It would seem wrong having spent so many balmy summer evenings enriching my all-too-brief time upon this earth with the wise saws of Tania, of Ray and of Nush.

Let's expose this year's Christians to my own particular brand of lion:

Ife: Ife believes in The Secret. "What's The Secret?" I hear you ask. I can't tell you. It's a secret.

Nathan: Boorish, regional, undereducated. Will probably win.

Caoimhe: is how you spell her name.

Govan: Seems a bit uncomfortable both in the house and his own skin. He's likeable but young and I'm worried for him.

Dave: THIS FUCKING ARSEHOLE was into drink and drugs for about five minutes back in 1983 and then he fell over and banged his head and his new life begun. Paradoxically, he expresses his spiritual conversion by mimicking the behaviours and effects of drugs. This guy mainlines the Lord! I saw him talking about his beliefs on the live feed last night and the best reactions came from Rachael - not happy to be cooped up with him at all - and John James, who is seemingly unable to stop his face from revealing his inner thoughts, and who looked like he was trying to work out algorhythms in a sewage plant.

Rachael: Rachael is "a hairdresser" and "can't imagine doing anything else". Which is why she was planning on spending her summer in Ibiza before she got recalled to do Big Brother instead.

Shabby: I think she might have worked behind the bar in my local. Either that or she is not quite as much of an 'individual' as she would perhaps like to appear.

Ben: Ben has a very unusual mouth; his top lip especially. I can't tell if this is to do with the way he is put together, or whether he has done that thing where, in trying to manufacture a pout through repeated oscular adjustment, he has actually disfigured his own face.

Steve: All of the goodwill that Steve is able to muster inside and outside the house as a maimed ex-soldier during a time that this country fights a war on two fronts will dissipate within 10 days. This is just Carole or Mario in another guise.

John James: Will be in the final five because his ignorance and vulgarity can be percieved as "cute" and displaced into his nationality, and because Big Brother is fundamentally anti-intellectual.

Sunshine: Is everything I fear and loathe

Corin: Has got lovely hair.

Mario: Is currently making the Big Brother producers pant-poo a little, because he's exactly the kind of identity-crisis-breaking, zodiac-sign-adhering, unemployable and unemployed full-time-work-shirking ninny that makes for a terrible housemate. My guess is that his task really is impossible and that this is one of those slightly shit and unnecessary bits of Big Brother, or what I like to call a "Susie".

Josie: indifference.


Oh, I do love seeing how the initial impressions bear out! Here's some utterly wild predictions to finish off:

First out: Mario, then Dave
Final five: Nathan, John James, Shabby, Govan, Ife.
To win: Nathan, John James.

It's good to be back...