Lord knows, I love The Apprentice. Lord knows, I love celebrities. And in the States they don't just use this potent combination for a one-off charity spin-off, but afford business-minded famous people entire weeks of TV. Let's take a look at The Celebrity Apprentice USA.
Relatively, the whole series is better than ours because the big boss man is Donald Trump who's an actual, proper businessman with his own skyscraper, as opposed to a shonky, jumped-up, market trader with the title Lord of Hackney. Also, the joke of the surname never wears thin. In terms of advisers, Trump keeps it in the family, employing his son and his daughter. So it's run by a whole load of Trumps.
Re Mr Trump, Jr., a picture says a thousand words, I think. Re Ivanka, well, she's okay, I like her. She's seems clever, switched-on...of course, she's a woman in business so the men talk over her the entire time. But she's no Margaret Mountford. Who is?
There's some fairly big names involved this series, like Lennox Lewis. I'll run through a few of the most interesting ones:
Gene Simmons -
Gene Simmons is a sexist, arrogant twat who looks like Frankenstein's monster in Norman Bate's mother's wig.
Piers Morgan -
Morgan seems compelled to prove that every single Hollywood stereotype of the duplicitous, underhand, double-dealing Brit is in fact correct. In his case, a former newspaper editor who faked up front-page photos and has recently been implicated in the phone hacking scandal, it evidently is. But otherwise I think it's time America let the whole War of Independence thing go.
Tito Ortiz -
A walking potato
Marilu Henner -
Seeing Marilu Henner again plunged me straight back into my amorphous childhood sexuality and the fact that I vaguely fancied her/wanted to be her when she was in Taxi. In that sense she joins the unenvied pantheon of Adam Ant, Shakin' Stevens and Michael Knight who make up my psycho-sexual blueprint. Lucky girl.
Apparently a reality star of some description who I've seen on Celebrity Apprentice in a former season. I wonder if the Celebrity Apprentice itself made her a reality star, in which case it's all getting a bit postmodern. I don't know how she swung the whole mono-name thing, but it seems a little presumptuous if you ask me.
Nely Galan -
I have no idea who she is. But imagine a cut-price J-Lo who was in a house fire, then had a further 50% off and was still consigned to the bargain bin, and you're getting close.
Stephen Baldwin is also in it, but I don't want to waste any more of my wit on that god-bothering little ponce after Celebrity Big Brother 2010.
Conclusion: it's all very watchable and we have to watch something before the big move of Big Brother to Channel 5, don't we? About which I am intrigued, if not excited. I'll let you know my thoughts soon.