Watermelons

The big news of the week has to be Andrew's very ill-advised admission that he made sweet, sweet love to a giant melon. "I carried a watermelon?" No, I fucked it. I gave that multi-pipped bad boy a pummeling. I balanced it between the end of my bed and my mattress for purchase and then discharged my balls into its red, sticky flesh.

There's a level of preparation in food fucking that eludes me. So...the thought crosses your mind. But then you've got to leave the house, find the item, presumably squeeze a few to check they're fit for purpose, buy it, return home, set it up, and do the dirty. There are many, many exit points along the way. Or maybe we should just admire Andrew's focus and tenacity? At any point he could have scaled the exercise back down but NO, he soldiered on to the inexorable conclusion. I'm just surprised he managed to keep his horn going for that long.

Andrew is bound to be haunted by this for the rest of his life. And he's only 18 or 19, so he's in for the long haul. Somebody else in the house who SHOULD be embarrassed by their behaviour is Corin, who has turned into a proper prat over JJ (and despite his curious sexlessness). Even though she has a girlfriend - and not a very happy one, by all accounts - Corin continues to score these tiny sexual victories over the boy, like getting him to sit next to her, or touch her hand, or even spend a cringe-inducing night in bed with her (Corin: "Do you want to stay here?" JJ: "Do YOU want me to stay here" Corin:"Do you WANT me to want you to stay here?" etc.). It's like watching a randy divorcee chasing around after her best friend's son. Nicking his number off his mum's phone and asking him to serve as a cocktail waiter at her next 'girl's night in' - and then convincing him to wear only a bow tie and apron and a thong so that she and Debbie (her involuntarily celibate friend) can discuss his pert bottom over B&H in the garden. Or something like that anyway. There's only 6 years between them, but Corin's combination of teenage flirting tactics and Nuts lewdness make me feel a queasy.

Anyway, just off for a slice of watermelon...

Next out: Jo
Final five: Corin, Josie, Sam Pepper, JJ, John James?
To win: Sam Pepper