Alan Sugar returned to our screens yesterday, looking a little less like "Mrs Tiggywinkle" (as Charlie Brooker noted in Screenburn last year) after alleged plastic surgery to make him more telegenic. Difficult to make judgments on the contestants yet because no-one was as obviously selected for their personality disorders as series 2; no-one as insane as Jo or as contemptible as Syed. Slightly intrigued by Gerri, or perhaps more accurately, mildly frightened of her. She has that quality of shrewdness which would no doubt lead her to sell her own ovaries to please Sir Alan.
With the personalities of the current contestants on standby, I mourned the fact that the Celebrity Comic Relief version wasn't a full series. I was so looking forward to seeing the despicable Alistair Campbell get his comeuppance, or Cheryl Tweedy exposing what a nasty little turd she really is. Also found myself comparing the UK version to the US Apprentice with Donald Trump. Trump trumps Sugar every time. For a start, there's an actual bona fide job for the 'apprentice' at the end of the series; they aren't likely to get offloaded just because they got up the duff a la Michelle Dewberry, or be reduced to selling anti-wrinkle cream on the internet under the aegis of Amstrad, like Tim Campbell (who, as of 21/3/2007, has left the company). And then there's the 'boardrooms': Trump's all dark oak and gentlemen's club, Sugar's - as a friend noted last night - looking as if it's "filmed round the back of Sainsburys". Sugar has all the bluster of the wide-boy-made-good but this masks his latter-day failure as a businessman. He pales next to Trump; could never be as iconic, could never have a comb-over so unrelentingly bouffant. And no amount of plastic surgery is going to make up that difference.
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