Wednesday, August 25, 2010

Final Big Brother finale and Ultimate Big Brother

Big Brother very much went out with a whimper last night, as the five bores were ejected one after another. Dave came second. A CREATIONIST at number 2. As Emma Kennedy tweeted "Hang your heads in shame".

Ultimate Big Brother ensued soon afterwards but no Jade Goody. Maybe they could pipe in her saying "Shilpa Fuckawallah, Shilpa Poppadoom" every so often... Oh, look, I know she's dead and I know that's sad but this whole martyr the racist thing's getting on my wick. Let's not forget who she was and what she did.

My Ultimate Big Brother housemates would be:
Les Dennis
Rex's girlfriend
Jo O' Meara

Monday, August 23, 2010

The night BB11 turned to shit

Friday it was. Friday. When the only housemates of any interest left in the house were booted out.

You see, when the producers asked people to vote for who to evict on Friday, they gave the result to people who had haters. If they had asked the GBP to vote to save people, someone like Sam - who has both lovers and haters - might have stood a chance. As it was, the people who escaped eviction were those the GBP felt indifferent about.

The night started off well enough when Steve was kicked out. But when he was followed by Corin, my heart began to sink. Sam, no less, was next out. Followed by the deserving John James.

So we're left with the finalist we know about - Josie - the non-entities of Andrew and JJ (who?), Mario (ok then) and DAVE. FUCKING DAVE. Yes, the fucking quack doctor managed to escape eviction, for reasons I CANNOT FATHOM. HOW has this notion of 'oh, he's just a nice family guy' overcome people seeing him expound his insane and dangerous beliefs? WHAT is going on? It's just all fuelling his delusion that Jesus has chosen him. He probably thinks he's converted people through being in there. I can't stand it. If Dave goes on to win this, I'm going to have to a dirty protest at BB HQ.

Sure enough, last night's highlights were unimaginably boring and the victory seems to be Josie. At least I actually want her to win now so that fucking monk doesn't.

Friday, August 20, 2010

...and all is revealed

What a fascinating last week of the last Big Brother this is turning out to be. As is often the case, a la Craig and Anthony all those years ago, the truth of house dynamics is becoming apparent.

The big news is John James' implosion over recent days. Starting with his vain refusal to wear a stupid crab costume, followed by accusations of hypocrisy from other housemates who have received an earbashing about being "team players" from none other than John James, through to Corin's eventual bravery in confronting John James about his arrogance and attitude to women, the final week has been captivating. For as John James has fallen from grace, Corin has risen and risen in my estimation.

Long ago I noted that John James only has a go at women. The men in the house should be ashamed at their collusion in his female bullying, even if only silence. Well, last night, to quote Corin, this came back to "bite him on the bum". For John James was hideously demeaning to a temporarily returned Rachael1, accusing her of being little more than a prostitute for doing a 'Nuts' shoot. He wasn't remorseful, but PROUD, when he returned to the house and relayed the attack. That is until Corin told him that Rachael is now going out with Nathan...

Cue John James shitting himself, and recoursing to his usual behaviour by threatening to leave the house. What disgusts me most is this notion that a woman needs a male protector for him to show them a modicum of respect. The cowardly bully. It's only the thought of getting his head kicked in - evidence of his view of why men are superior, and women lesser beings (physical strength) - that's made him think twice about what he said.

During all of this drama, Corin calmly and coolly told John James and the rest of the housemates exactly what she thinks. When she excused the housemates laughing at John James' relation of the Rachael1 incident, saying that John James had been intimidating the house for so many weeks they simply acquiesce to him, you could still see Steve thinking over his own conduct. She was understanding, but her canny observations have damned them all.

Josie might even ultimately lose this because of her association with John James. And so she should. As much as I love Sam Pepper, Corin deserves to win this series. She gets my vote.

Wednesday, August 18, 2010

The final approaches

Is it just me and my BB obsession or has it all seemed a bit short this year? Or maybe it's just that there are so many housemates left over at the end. I feel like I'm only just getting a handle on the late arrivals. JJ's honking voice is really starting to get on my wick. And I haven't had ENOUGH SAM.

Anyway, the whole shebang is over in a week. And yet Dave is still in there. He's taken on some particularly annoying aspects in the last couple of weeks - becoming paranoid that BB doesn't like him, and developing the puppy dog countenance and ickle baby voice of a 14 year old boy in order to purvey the affront. URGH he makes me so sick. How can everyone have fallen for his 'I'm a family man' act when he's so clearly a combination of stickybeak and attention seeker glued together with bitchiness and insanity?

On the other hand. Sam. I wonder how different things would be in terms of his audience standing if he'd gone in any earlier. What exact game have the producers been playing with this particular housemate? Why the four Friday evictions which have greatly lessened his odds? And did anyone notice Davina's self-contradiction during her eviction interview with Jo last Friday when she followed up, "I'm so surprised to see you here instead of Sam," with the revelation that he was the favourite and everyone loved him. Disingenuous Davina!

Tuesday, August 10, 2010


The big news of the week has to be Andrew's very ill-advised admission that he made sweet, sweet love to a giant melon. "I carried a watermelon?" No, I fucked it. I gave that multi-pipped bad boy a pummeling. I balanced it between the end of my bed and my mattress for purchase and then discharged my balls into its red, sticky flesh.

There's a level of preparation in food fucking that eludes me. So...the thought crosses your mind. But then you've got to leave the house, find the item, presumably squeeze a few to check they're fit for purpose, buy it, return home, set it up, and do the dirty. There are many, many exit points along the way. Or maybe we should just admire Andrew's focus and tenacity? At any point he could have scaled the exercise back down but NO, he soldiered on to the inexorable conclusion. I'm just surprised he managed to keep his horn going for that long.

Andrew is bound to be haunted by this for the rest of his life. And he's only 18 or 19, so he's in for the long haul. Somebody else in the house who SHOULD be embarrassed by their behaviour is Corin, who has turned into a proper prat over JJ (and despite his curious sexlessness). Even though she has a girlfriend - and not a very happy one, by all accounts - Corin continues to score these tiny sexual victories over the boy, like getting him to sit next to her, or touch her hand, or even spend a cringe-inducing night in bed with her (Corin: "Do you want to stay here?" JJ: "Do YOU want me to stay here" Corin:"Do you WANT me to want you to stay here?" etc.). It's like watching a randy divorcee chasing around after her best friend's son. Nicking his number off his mum's phone and asking him to serve as a cocktail waiter at her next 'girl's night in' - and then convincing him to wear only a bow tie and apron and a thong so that she and Debbie (her involuntarily celibate friend) can discuss his pert bottom over B&H in the garden. Or something like that anyway. There's only 6 years between them, but Corin's combination of teenage flirting tactics and Nuts lewdness make me feel a queasy.

Anyway, just off for a slice of watermelon...

Next out: Jo
Final five: Corin, Josie, Sam Pepper, JJ, John James?
To win: Sam Pepper

Saturday, August 07, 2010


Ugh. Josie becomes more like a Bristonian fishwife every day. "John Jems...John Jems...John Jems..."

Thursday, August 05, 2010

Sam Pepper

So after the various disastrous boring newbies, whose combined contribution to BB11 is emblematised in Keeley's broken ankle, the producers remembered "Of course! It's the last one. We can do whatever we want!" and chucked in Sam Pepper.

Oh yeah. Sam Pepper.

He's been given the clear brief to rile everyone up, and in five short days has managed to tea bag Josie, cry rape at Dave, annoy the fuck out of everyone, and make his allegiance to Big Brother over any single housemate perfectly clear. He's wonderful. Apart from John James' pathetic arguments, it's been far too cuddly in there for ages now.

And it's obviously Dave who's got away with the most. Dave who, the other night, professed his belief in WEREWOLVES (they didn't show THAT on the highlights - favourable editing?). Dave who followed Jedward around the house on Friday in the most embarrassing and transparent attempt to get on camera so far in the series. Dave who needs to FUCK OFF.

Jo didn't fulfill her promise to challenge "the monk"'s own particular brand of bullshit theology, so I'm counting on Sam. Come on Sam! Don't laugh away Dave's beliefs as eccentric like the rest of the housemates - expose him for the dangerous charlatan he is. We're counting on you.

p.s. The JJJ situation has been disrupted by John James obvious homo love for JJ - hereafter called the JJJJJ situation.