J'ADORE LE FRERE GROSSE (29/6/10)

And other bad Frencifying...

Ben, Ben, Ben.

BEN!!!!

I cannot get enough of Ben! From the non-stop name-dropping, to his celebrity-based self-analogies ("I can't help not smiling all the time. I'm quite Roger-Moore-like in that way") to the sheer CONCEIT of the man. He is definitely the star of the show.

It emerged that another two of my favourites detest each other during nommos last night. Corin accused Mario of going on about genitals all the time in her own inimitable fashion, saying of his threat to get his balls out, "I don't want pubic hair wafting around everywhere". Mario provided an unknowing riposte with the devastating comment upon Corin's conversational skills: "At the intellectual banquet of life, I'm left starving." Big Brother is suddenly full of wit and I LOVE IT!

Next out: Dave, Dave, please let it be Dave.
Final five: Ben, Corin, Nathan, John James, Steve.
To win: BEN!!!! (but that won't happen)

Big Brother (23/6/10)

Just a quick note to report how massively impressed I was with Ife for having the courage to tell Shabby and Caiomhe (sp?) that she was "bored of our conversations" the other night. The two speedily and understandably turned on her after the rejection. "I was just being honest", Ife called out after them as they stomped into the garden. She later revealed in the diary room that the truth is that she can't stand Shabby's childish tantrums and so is distancing herself. She has risen in my estimation markedly.

And Ben. BEN??!!! What are you LIKE? Concluding the most obsequious story about Joan Collins EVER told with the punchline, "But then I got talking to Gloria Hunniford, and we became, like, semi-friends." If I saw your poor man's Ben Fogel visage simpering down at me to get some hack quote for the Telegraph social diary, I'd tell you to get lost too. Oh GOD, he's such a ninny. Please don't let him go tonight.

Next out: Dave, Ben
Final Five: Ife, Nathan, Corin, Mario, Steve
To win: Nathan, Corin

You just kept roiding me and roiding me (22/6/10)

The reference, of course, is to John James' eppy fit at Josie a couple of nights ago which was the turning point in his BB career. In summary, he turned nasty on Josie after she teased him for too long, telling her she had a fat arse and terrible roots. Gasp! He revealed himself to be a very angry and insecure person, and a massive twat.

But the thing annoyed me most was in last night's programme when, in the garden, he claimed he would take any photographic magazine opportunities that came his way after Big Brother - EXACTLY the thing he wigged out at Rachael for last week. The HYPOCRISY! Maybe John James just has a problem with women. As Josie said the other night, "Rachael's gone, so it's my turn now is it?"

Big Brother (20/6/10)

After an excellent first week, I am officially loving the new series of BB. Last night I was moved to laughter (Corin-induced), shock (Ife-induced) and tears (Steve-induced). Who, as the song goes, could ask for anything more?

Corin is emerging as a favourite for her BB2 Helenesque way with words and natural sweetness. Ife left me open mouthed when she divulged to Caimhoe (sp?) that Shabby had something to tell her (her fancy for the Irish beauty) in a manner worthy of any 12 year old. But I like Ife too. The thing with this year's housemates is that they actually seem like real people and approximate the innocence of the very earliest years of the programme. (I can't extend this praise to Shabby however, who seems aware of how to create storylines which will keep her in the house). This niceness might not bode well in the long term, though; every series needs a touch of Shahbazmatazz to keep the entertainment flowing.

And Rachael, goodbye. You will not be missed.

Big Brother Format Changes (15/6/10)

Something very strange is going on with BB. You may have noticed that each episode now starts with a recap of what happened the night before. I like this...it's good. It lets me rewatch favourite bits of the former episode like when Mario destroyed John James' pizzas with a broom handle.

Episodes now also end with a preview of what's to come in the next highlights show. This seems a bit weird and polished somehow. And the producers can't know that tomorrow's highlights won't be dominated by whatever happens later that night...

But strangest of all, is the use of music and 'fast-forward' style editing to speed up the representation of an event. So, last night, we were shown the housemates playing a 'truth' type game. Music was overlaid and there was quick editing between the questions and the answers so that the overall effect was of a montage.

It seems very odd to institute these changes after ten years of keeping the same format. I'm not saying that I'm anti these modifications. In fact, it lets you get to the best parts of an interaction quicker, whereas before we might have just been shown a few of the housemates' responses and therefore be biased towards. or against, particular housemates. But it does have a strange knock-on effect on the whole feel of the programme. I wasn't aware of quite how ad-hoc, home-made and uncontaminated by snazzy production English BB has been heretofore. And now it feels a bit...well... a bit...American?

Big Brother (14/6/10)

So, Sun-shee-ine emerges as the 'problem' housemate, with Govan her special adversary. She is very "Bea" and I can imagine her particular blend of neuroses, narcissism and unlikely nomenclature is infuriating - however it's how the housemates cope with her now that matters in terms of their perception by the public, as we all know. Shabby made good general sounds about not wanting to be seen as a bully - at the same time she not only finds it necessary to be in the cool group, but to be at the head of it.

I almost hate to bring it up but have to record my HORROR at the account of his maiming given by Steve to Sunshine and Ben last night. As if the actual explosion and the gore and the loss of limbs wasn't awful enough, Steve revealed that the IRA also set a DOG ON HIM after the detonation to tear at his exposed flesh. How utterly barbaric.

Have 180 degreed on Dave again, who IS a proper prat. And yet he must, must, must stay in because otherwise we won't get the opportunity to see him "totally whacked" (his words) on God. This process can go on for several weeks apparently and I have to see him cracked out on the Christ crystals.

First to go: Sunshine, Dave
Final five: Nathan, John James, Josie, Steve, Shabby
To win: John James, Steve

Last Night's Big Brother Live Feed (12/6/10)

You've got to champion the return of the BB live feed. It's the only way for us hardcore viewers to reach conclusions about BB housemates independently of how they're edited on the highlights show. Obvious, yes, but important. Permit me to take you all the way back to 2001 and the construction of Dean as "boring"...although any live feed viewer knew he was the wryest, most informed and personable housemate of the lot...

While I may have been a little tiddly, I was able to glean some very useful insights from the live feed in the early hours of this morning. Par example:

1. The producers really wanted John James in the series and even flew him back out from Oz after the initial audition. Big Brother repeatedly told housemates (i.e. John James) to stop discussing the audition and selection procedure.

2. John James is monied.

3. John James wipes back to front when he takes a shit. He holds his balls out of the way.

4. John James talks A LOT.

5. John James has no libido. This was identified by Josie who emerged as a lynchpin of the house. John James doesn't even get morning glory. This was what aroused Josie's suspicions.

6. Judi James would have a field day talking about Josie's behaviour last night. Housemates crowded aroundand clamoured for her attention as she lay reclining on a bed. She shamelessly performed procedures on her face - plucking eyebrows, spot squeezing - in full view of other housemates. I'm pretty sure Judi James would interpret this as a sort of exposure and display of bodily 'honesty' which results in a gain of power for the individual. If she then starts grooming others we'll have identified the alpha female of the house.

8. Ife, Shabby and Caiomhe (sp?) are a clique. Josie, Corin, Rachael and Govan are a clique. Mario is hopelessly infatuated with Ben.

9. Ben accused Sunshine of having veruccas. Govan said that if one person in the house had veruccas then they'd all get them. Steve said, "I won't".

10. Steve's snoring could potentially alter the world's magnetic field.

There was more but I'm going to keep it to myself...just for now...

Big Brother (11/6/10)

Things always bode very well for a series of Big Brother when the nicey-nicey aspect wears out quickly, as it had between Sunshine and Rachael within 24 hours of the series. Sunshine, as suspected, is a prize twit - another 'type' I encountered during my Brighton years. She's the sort of person who not only dubs herself with an outlandish forename - like a 14 year old who wakes up and suddenly wants to be called 'Cat' or 'Star' - she's also the sort of vegan who uses diet as a means of masking an eating disorder. I know a girl who uses a similar mixture of allergy and ethics to get out of eating. She, too, is very, very thin.

Must revisit the inevitably mistaken snap judgements of Thursday. Mario, while still likely to be first out, should stay for longer. I'm particularly interested in how he has phallicised his mole nose which he wears protruding from the forehead and continually wanks back and forth. Either that or he sports it jutting from the base of his skull like a pretersexual hominid...like some sort of medulla penis deemed to be too damn saucy by evolution. Maybe he developed such fetishistic ruses in life to detract from the truly awful underpants we were subjected to last night.

I now have the feeling that Ife will develop into an especially vile individual - merely a hunch. Conversely, I think I might start warming to Dave, or at least seeing him as perhaps more than a psychiatric outpatient. It is queer, however, how so many 'persons of faith' frequently turn out to be the most suspicious and paranoid of other people's intentions, how they have so little faith in human nature. He was the first to point out that Mario might be a 'spy' for instance - although I might be confusing paranoia with sheer reasoning ability. Always have to adjust to lowered intelligence expectations every year! I imagine 50 % of the house will fail to ever see the costume's significance, and never get beyond thinking that he is simply a woodland creature.

First to go: Mario (if chucked out), Sunshine
Final five: Shabby, John James, Dave, Josie, Steve
To win: Shabby, John James

The Final Ever Big Brother Launch Show (9/6/10)

I can't let the final EVER Big Brother pass on by without offering a few thoughts. It would seem wrong having spent so many balmy summer evenings enriching my all-too-brief time upon this earth with the wise saws of Tania, of Ray and of Nush.

Let's expose this year's Christians to my own particular brand of lion:

Ife: Ife believes in The Secret. "What's The Secret?" I hear you ask. I can't tell you. It's a secret.

Nathan: Boorish, regional, undereducated. Will probably win.

Caoimhe: is how you spell her name.

Govan: Seems a bit uncomfortable both in the house and his own skin. He's likeable but young and I'm worried for him.

Dave: THIS FUCKING ARSEHOLE was into drink and drugs for about five minutes back in 1983 and then he fell over and banged his head and his new life begun. Paradoxically, he expresses his spiritual conversion by mimicking the behaviours and effects of drugs. This guy mainlines the Lord! I saw him talking about his beliefs on the live feed last night and the best reactions came from Rachael - not happy to be cooped up with him at all - and John James, who is seemingly unable to stop his face from revealing his inner thoughts, and who looked like he was trying to work out algorhythms in a sewage plant.

Rachael: Rachael is "a hairdresser" and "can't imagine doing anything else". Which is why she was planning on spending her summer in Ibiza before she got recalled to do Big Brother instead.

Shabby: I think she might have worked behind the bar in my local. Either that or she is not quite as much of an 'individual' as she would perhaps like to appear.

Ben: Ben has a very unusual mouth; his top lip especially. I can't tell if this is to do with the way he is put together, or whether he has done that thing where, in trying to manufacture a pout through repeated oscular adjustment, he has actually disfigured his own face.

Steve: All of the goodwill that Steve is able to muster inside and outside the house as a maimed ex-soldier during a time that this country fights a war on two fronts will dissipate within 10 days. This is just Carole or Mario in another guise.

John James: Will be in the final five because his ignorance and vulgarity can be percieved as "cute" and displaced into his nationality, and because Big Brother is fundamentally anti-intellectual.

Sunshine: Is everything I fear and loathe

Corin: Has got lovely hair.

Mario: Is currently making the Big Brother producers pant-poo a little, because he's exactly the kind of identity-crisis-breaking, zodiac-sign-adhering, unemployable and unemployed full-time-work-shirking ninny that makes for a terrible housemate. My guess is that his task really is impossible and that this is one of those slightly shit and unnecessary bits of Big Brother, or what I like to call a "Susie".

Josie: indifference.


Oh, I do love seeing how the initial impressions bear out! Here's some utterly wild predictions to finish off:

First out: Mario, then Dave
Final five: Nathan, John James, Shabby, Govan, Ife.
To win: Nathan, John James.

It's good to be back...