Monday Night's TV (20/2/06)

Winding down from a heavy weekend involved indulging in some hearty, comforting tv fare last night. My starter was Masterchef Goes Large. MGL is about ten trillion times better than Masterchef used to be. Gone is the slightly sinister all-black backdrop as three unknown, verbose people dip their foie gras tarts in raspberry coulis, and then go off with Lloyd Grossman to talk about whether the pecan, chocolate, walnut, truffle and mango mousse somewhat over-egged the pudding. These days Masterchef has taken a leaf out of the Pop Idol book, employing two brutal judges who take the pretention out of the series, being blunt with the contestants but also speaking straightforwardly about the food; "That's greasy" "That's both raw and overdone at the same time" "I don't want to eat another mouthful I'm afraid". Stuff you can understand, not, "The chorizo and lambneck hot buttered salad was a metaphysical triumph, although the aftertaste was like the excretia towards the end of a bronchial infection". My main course was America's Next Top Model, the diva of the NTM brand, and the one most reminiscent of Carrie. One contestant, Jayla, is a renegade Jehovah's Witness who wants to get her baps out as much as possible before returning to the faith, but also presents as the girl most likely to have put itching powder in a rival cheerleader's pants during high school. Another girl, Bre (honestly), is so God-fearing that nothing can happen to her or anyone else without it being attributed to His Divine Will. Not an evolutionist then. It's the combination of the initial smugness of the Americans with the contradiction of their gradual objectification which makes the show so watchable. Take Kim, for instance, a highly-educated and irritatingly-voiced butch lesbian. Watch as Tyra Banks' coterie teach her how to make her waist appear smaller in pictures. Observe as they take uncomfortable photos of her in a corset and supenders. Marvel that she doesn't invoke gender theory as a means of resisting her assimilation into a highly sexist industry. Wonder if the old adage is actually true - are all Americans stupid? The evidence of ANTM is pretty damning. My dessert, although it was more of a cheese board really, was ER. Thankfully the hapless new students I criticised the other week have been replaced with the series regulars, and I found myself moved as a sexually abused girl died after her mismanagement by the doctors. Not because of the tear-jerker storyline, which normally I would avoid like the plague, but because Maura Tierney was involved in it, and she is just the most wonderful actor. I felt satisfied if slightly dulled after my TV meal, and think I may have to replace telly with books tonight in an attempt to mentally diet. Anyway, The Apprentice starts tomorrow, my favourite programme of last year. A telly fast may make the first episode that little bit sweeter.....